Noah

The 391st film I have seen in theaters…

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WOW.

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In the beginning…

lol, kidding. Actually I’m not. The movie opens with the story of creation. Noah is the son of the last descendant of Seth, Lamech. As Lamech is about to use the skin of the serpent, yes THE serpent, to bless Noah with magical powers, King Tubalcain shows up and kills him, taking the snakeskin for himself. At this point, I knew I was in for something special.

Noah grows into manhood, forms a Vegetarian cult, and marries Jennifer Connelly (her character has no name lol), and has three sons. He has a dream about God flooding the earth and goes to his grandfather, Methuselah, for guidance. Enroute, the find a young girl that will someday grow up to be Emma Watson, badly injured from roving bands of the children of Cain. They take the girl and run from the bad guys into a blackened land, devoid of life. There the family is kidnapped by giant rock monsters, who are actually fallen angels. One rock monster helps them escape and they make their way to Methuselah, who drugs Noah with some spiked tea and sends him on a vision quest where he learns to build an ark. Granddaddy gives him a “Seed of Eden” which Noah plants. This sprouts into a gigantic forest that he will use for lumber. The other fallen angels decide to help Noah with Labor.

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Years pass by, and the children are grown. Oldest son Shem wants to make naughty with Emma Watson, but due to injuries she sustained in the rescue scenes, she is barren. Ham, the decidedly non kosher second son, has the biggest case of blue balls in creation. The other kid is barely in the movie. Animals start arriving in the ark and are magically put into a deep sleep for the duration of the trip. Soon, King Tubalcain discovers what is going on, and wants the Ark, and Noah’s women for himself. Tubalcain prepares his army and “Hammy Nosex” runs off to Tubalcain’s camp and tries to find a wife. Meanwhile, Methuselah uses him magical powers to cure Emma Watson’s uterus. She promptly bangs Shem and gets pregnant. Ham finds a woman, tries to save her as the flood starts, but Noah leaves her to die.

An epic battle takes place at the Ark and Tubalcain sneaks aboard. Ham, pissed that his dad won’t let him get laid, nurses him back to health by allowing him to eat baby dinosaurs. 40 days pass, and Emma Watson is about to give birth. Noah goes apeshit and tells them that if she has a boy- okay. Mankind deserves to die. If it is a girl, he is gutting it like a baby pig. Of course she has twin girls. Noah gets ready to slaughter some babies and Tubalcain attacks! They fight it out in the snake pit and just as Noah is about to die, the Ark hits a mountain. Young Ham decides to kill Tubalcain. Noah runs off to kill him some babies, but has a change of heart as he is about to stab one of them.

They go onto dry land, and Noah spends a lot of time drunk and naked. Noah returns to his family and Ham, in despair over killing, leaves. The film ends with Noah using the magic snakeskin to bless his two granddaughters to be “fruitful” by banging their uncles and repopulating the earth. A giant rainbow explodes in the sky.

End.

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This would be the point at which Crowe realized what he had signed up for. I bet the pay was good though.

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“No, please. This is probably my last chance at a career.” I bet the pay was good though.

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“I lucked out with Harry Potter, I obviously need to learn to choose projects better”. I bet the pay was good though.

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Actually, did a decent job in his villain role. Wasted. Though he did eat him some Dinosaurs! I bet the pay was good though.

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“The pay was very good”

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Voice of rock monster. I assume he was paid in whiskey and a free delousing.

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I am not sure what else I can add. If I did not know the makers took this seriously, I would swear they were trolling religious people. One of the worst uses of 130 Million…ever.

CTW: 04/16/14

In the late 90’s, a group of friends were avid comic book readers. Every Wednesday, we would pick up our comics, read them, and share quick reviews with each other. It was fun and we did it pretty much every week from 1996 to 2005. Eventually, we tapered off, some stopped reading, some of us lost touch with one another. As this blog has grown over the last 4 years, I feel a need to write more things for all of you to read. So, Comix this week is reborn. As with my movie reviews, this is not comprehensive. I cannot afford to read every comic, nor will I illegally download them, I respect the artists and writers too much for that. Every week there will be a “pick of the week”. At the end of the year, we will have a retrospective and choose the best comics of 2014.

I use cover images in my reviews. These images are from various comic companies, such as Marvel, DC, and Image in today’s case. They own this stuff. I do this for fun, not money. Enjoy.

April, 16, 2014

(I know, I missed a week. Best issue of 04/09/14 was Secret Avengers #2)

Thor: God of Thunder 21

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Thor continues his fight against an evil corporation that wishes to destroy the earth by depleting its resources and pollution….blah. This story is a non starter.

Wolverine and the X-Men 3

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Wolverine adjusts to losing his healing factor as “The Phoenix corporation” tries to recruit Quentin to their cause, he being a future Phoenix host. Okay, can’t see where it is heading yet.

Mercenary Sea 3

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The crew finds themselves facing off against the Japanese Navy in a  mission to rescue a British Spy, who meets an unfortunate end. Not too sure if this one will last. Allure of 1930’s sea pirates is wearing off.

Uncanny X-Force 3

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Cable leads his new team into a jungle base to rescue mutants who are being experimented on. They face some resistance and Psylocke goes apeshit and breaks her “no killing” vow. Bad ass.

Batman 30

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Thank the maker! This Zero year story heads to it’s end as Batman returns from battle injuries to find a Gotham held prisoner by The Riddler! He has cut off the city, rigged the bridges with bombs, and won’t let anyone out until…wait a fraggin’ minute. Is this the plot of Dark Knight Rises? It IS the plot to Dark Knight Rises! THIS is what we’ve been waiting for?! ugh.

Wolverine 4

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I picked up the first few issues along with this. Pretty good. Logan has lost his powers and fakes a falling out with the Avengers and X-Men to justify infiltrating a criminal group which has run ins with Sabretooth. Not a bad series, well done so far.

Hulk 1

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A new Hulk series! indestructible Hulk ended with Bruce Banner taking two bullets to the back of the head. This follows right behind as The Hulk undergoes brain surgery. He escapes the surgery/bad guys and we follow up with Dr Banner- now severely brain damaged, almost mentally retarded it seems. A new take, to be sure, but somehow intriguing. Marvel shows no fear in trying new things.

Stray Bullets: Killers 2

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We reconnect with Virginia Applejack, a short time after the end of the last series. She is back in school, making friends. I binge read the original series in that new “Uber Alles” edition, and I am quite pleased to see this revived series being a direct continuation of the first. So many threads were left hanging.

 

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Superior Spider-Man 31

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This is it! the grand finale! Peter faces off against Norman Osborn and his Goblin army for the soul of NYC! This was a damn GREAT issue, and a great run! Peter begins to pick up the pieces of his life while stopping Gobby. It turns out Osborn is behind Alchemax, the corporation that is the big bad in Spider-Man 2099. Mary Jane leaves, having had enough of Peter and his life, while Mayor JJ Jameson steps down in shame for his actions in the crisis. A powerful finish to the story, and a magnificent set up for Amazing Spider-Man #1!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

The 390th film I have seen in theaters…

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Iron Man introduced us to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Incredible Hulk continued the world building. Iron Man 2 kicked off a rapidly expanding universe as S.H.I.E.L.D. came front and center. Thor astounded us as the the story moved into the fantastical world of Aliens and Gods. Captain America gave us the sense of legacy.

As Avengers amazed us, and Iron Man 3 left us a bit cold, Thor stepped up his game and topped his first film. Can Cap do the same? Yes, true believers, he most certainly can.

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Steve Rogers adjusts to life in the 21st Century as a secret plot within Shield itself threatens to destroy everything he believes in. Meanwhile a person from his past challenges him in a way never before faced.

That, essentially, is the plot. If you have not seen the movie yet, shame on you. It is the best Marvel film to date.

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Chris Evans IS Captain America. Johnny Storm has been forgotten. He walks the line between “Boy Scout” and “Rebel” incredibly well. He sells the idea that truth, justice, and the American way (sorry Superman) are not extinct ideals. They CAN thrive in today’s world if men and woman can stand up for them.

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Scarlett REALLY stands out this time. This is the first of her films where they see fit to actually give her a character to play. What works is that she is finally given room to explore her back story. She has not always been a good guy. Well done.

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Samuel L. Jackson also brings a little extra to the table in this, his 4th, 5th?, turn as Nick Fury. I am anticipating where he goes next as the universe is turned upside-down. No more Shield. Where does Fury go?

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Newcomer Anthony Mackie plays fan favorite The Falcon! This guy fits seamlessly into the universe. Great casting. I could watch a dozen Cap/Falcon movies.

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Sebastian Stan returns as Bucky, the Winter Soldier. He honestly does not do much. He fights, screams, and looks confused. It works though.

What really sells this picture, and sets the tone is this man…

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Robert Redford is a legend. Just having him appear in the film elevates it far beyond expectations. He brings a cinematic “baggage” with him that is inescapable. It works 100%. I still wish he was Red Skull though.

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They made a 1970’s style political thriller disguised as a Comic Book movie…or did they?

This is actually PURE comics. What is presented onscreen is the most accurate reflection of what is in Captain America comics. They nailed it. The fight scenes and action sets were astounding. The hand to hand fight with Batroc was awesome. The car chase scene with Fury was the best I’d seen in year. The battle on the bridge is amazing. Zola? YES! This movie just schooled every other superhero film.

Guardians of the Galaxy will be an entirely different animal, but that’s okay. There is room enough for all.

CTW: 3/26/14 & 4/2/14

In the late 90’s, a group of friends were avid comic book readers. Every Wednesday, we would pick up our comics, read them, and share quick reviews with each other. It was fun and we did it pretty much every week from 1996 to 2005. Eventually, we tapered off, some stopped reading, some of us lost touch with one another. As this blog has grown over the last 4 years, I feel a need to write more things for all of you to read. So, Comix this week is reborn. As with my movie reviews, this is not comprehensive. I cannot afford to read every comic, nor will I illegally download them, I respect the artists and writers too much for that. Every week there will be a “pick of the week”. At the end of the year, we will have a retrospective and choose the best comics of 2014.

I use cover images in my reviews. These images are from various comic companies, such as Marvel, DC, and Image in today’s case. They own this stuff. I do this for fun, not money. Enjoy.

March 26, 2014

 

The Walking Dead 124

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By Kirkman and Adlard

This long, LONG, take of Negan and his gang of thugs continues, but the end seems to be near. Rick miraculously survives getting punctured with Zombie good, and Negan prepares for the final assault. In 2 more chapters, this story will be done. I hope that Negan is killed and this comic moves forward again. He’s a poor man’s Governor, and it needs to stop.

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By Bryan Hitch

Now, Hitch is a great comic creator, but this one did not grab me. It is “Galaxy Quest” with Superheroes instead of Star Trek used as a basis. A group of actors are pulled into an alternate dimension where their movie characters are real. They must fill those roles and become…REAL heroes. blah. Not gonna read #2.

Silver Surfer 1

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By Dan Slott and Michael Allred

Dan Slott is branching out as his run on Spider-Man closes up. He is a dynamo for Marvel, and he shows it in this new title. It is quirky and weird. It is a very modern take on the character, and the art is a big part of that. When I look back on the indie comic movement, especially in the late 90’s early 2000’s, I could see a certain aesthetic starting to emerge. This is in line with that style, perhaps more modernized, but distinct. It is retro, yet modern- truly hipster, and it works.

All New Ghost Rider 1

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By Smith and Moore

Ghost Rider is a character that can be used effectively in any time period, in many variations. The whole concept is a Spirit of Vengence takes hold of a newly, or nearly, dead person and uses them to dispense ass-kickings. There was an Old West Ghost Rider, a couple of Motorcycle Riders (Johnny Blaze being the most famous) and even the more recent female incarnation. This is an all new take with a new character. It is basically a Fast and Furious Ghost Rider, and it is awesome. Robbie Reyes drives an old school muscle car, and street races to make money to support himself and a kid, I assume his brother named Gabe. He is gunned down by some cops, or people impersonating cops, and becomes Ghost Rider. His face is more a “Day of the dead”/mechanical than the traditional skull, but its a nice change. I will be around for a second helping next month, for sure.

Avengers 27

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By Hickman, Larroca, and Martin.

The alternate universe Avengers are here and are causing all sorts of trouble. I have a pet theory that Hickman is doing this just to show DC that they can do a “Crime Syndicate” story better than they can. This plays out a bit more in the next comic I review as well. General Steve Rogers leads his evil Avengers against our 616 heroes. As always, well written and drawn.

New Avengers 16

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By Hickman, Morales, and Martin.

As universes collide and Earths are destroyed (Crisis on Infinite Earths anyone?) Our heroes look into an alternate Earth to see how they dealt with the problem. It seems on one Earth they created a Super Team who bear some interesting resemblances to heroes we know. Sun God (gets his powers from the Sun, dresses like a blonde Superman), Boundless (Female speedster in red suit with yellow lightning bolt), Doctor Spectrum (Hourglass on chest), The Rider (Dark robed Knight), The Jovian (A Green martian), and The Norn (a helmeted seer who has the powers of FATE!). Yup, they are punking DC. Damn good story though.

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Yes, I am cheating. Two picks are equal in my eyes.

The Superior Spider-Man 30

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By Slott, Gage, Camuncoli, Dell, and Fabia

Doc Ock, in Peter’s body, has been defeated. Norman Osborn has his girlfriend and Otto realizes that he is not able to save her and stop The Green Goblin, only the Superior Spider-man can do this…the REAL Spider-man. He erases all trace of himself from Peter’s mind- committing suicide, allowing Peter to retake control. Spider-man is back. A fantastic issue, that ultimately redeems Otto. If they are smart, they will NEVER use the character again. So good.

The Sandman: Overture 2

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By Gaiman and Williams III

Worth the wait. Gaiman is in top form and Williams is never better. A perfect pairing. Read this, discover it for yourself.

Now, for the recent week! (don’t worry, very short!)

April 2, 2014

Starlight 2

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By Millar, and Parlov

A young boy recruits aging Duke McQueen (Flash Gordon) to return to the alien planet he saved 40 years ago. A very cool take on a classic story. Great art, character moments. It will be interesting to see how Duke handles himself on the alien world as a sixty-something.

Captain America 19

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By Remender, Klein, and White.

Cap fights against the Iron Nail and his henchmen who have used the powers of Mindbubble to take over Shield. In the end, they use the powers on Captain America. The Super Soldier is now with the enemy!

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Detective Comics 30

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By Manapul, and Buccellato

The artwork…holy crap. Beautiful. A new story line begins as Bruce tries to deal with the death of his son, as new threats emerge to challenge the vision of a New Gotham City, a better city. Great stuff.