Noah

The 391st film I have seen in theaters…

 

WOW.

In the beginning…

lol, kidding. Actually I’m not. The movie opens with the story of creation. Noah is the son of the last descendant of Seth, Lamech. As Lamech is about to use the skin of the serpent, yes THE serpent, to bless Noah with magical powers, King Tubalcain shows up and kills him, taking the snakeskin for himself. At this point, I knew I was in for something special.

Noah grows into manhood, forms a Vegetarian cult, and marries Jennifer Connelly (her character has no name lol), and has three sons. He has a dream about God flooding the earth and goes to his grandfather, Methuselah, for guidance. Enroute, the find a young girl that will someday grow up to be Emma Watson, badly injured from roving bands of the children of Cain. They take the girl and run from the bad guys into a blackened land, devoid of life. There the family is kidnapped by giant rock monsters, who are actually fallen angels. One rock monster helps them escape and they make their way to Methuselah, who drugs Noah with some spiked tea and sends him on a vision quest where he learns to build an ark. Granddaddy gives him a “Seed of Eden” which Noah plants. This sprouts into a gigantic forest that he will use for lumber. The other fallen angels decide to help Noah with Labor.

Years pass by, and the children are grown. Oldest son Shem wants to make naughty with Emma Watson, but due to injuries she sustained in the rescue scenes, she is barren. Ham, the decidedly non kosher second son, has the biggest case of blue balls in creation. The other kid is barely in the movie. Animals start arriving in the ark and are magically put into a deep sleep for the duration of the trip. Soon, King Tubalcain discovers what is going on, and wants the Ark, and Noah’s women for himself. Tubalcain prepares his army and “Hammy Nosex” runs off to Tubalcain’s camp and tries to find a wife. Meanwhile, Methuselah uses him magical powers to cure Emma Watson’s uterus. She promptly bangs Shem and gets pregnant. Ham finds a woman, tries to save her as the flood starts, but Noah leaves her to die.

An epic battle takes place at the Ark and Tubalcain sneaks aboard. Ham, pissed that his dad won’t let him get laid, nurses him back to health by allowing him to eat baby dinosaurs. 40 days pass, and Emma Watson is about to give birth. Noah goes apeshit and tells them that if she has a boy- okay. Mankind deserves to die. If it is a girl, he is gutting it like a baby pig. Of course she has twin girls. Noah gets ready to slaughter some babies and Tubalcain attacks! They fight it out in the snake pit and just as Noah is about to die, the Ark hits a mountain. Young Ham decides to kill Tubalcain. Noah runs off to kill him some babies, but has a change of heart as he is about to stab one of them.

They go onto dry land, and Noah spends a lot of time drunk and naked. Noah returns to his family and Ham, in despair over killing, leaves. The film ends with Noah using the magic snakeskin to bless his two granddaughters to be “fruitful” by banging their uncles and repopulating the earth. A giant rainbow explodes in the sky.

End.

This would be the point at which Crowe realized what he had signed up for. I bet the pay was good though.

“No, please. This is probably my last chance at a career.” I bet the pay was good though.

“I lucked out with Harry Potter, I obviously need to learn to choose projects better”. I bet the pay was good though.

Actually, did a decent job in his villain role. Wasted. Though he did eat him some Dinosaurs! I bet the pay was good though.

“The pay was very good”

Voice of rock monster. I assume he was paid in whiskey and a free delousing.

I am not sure what else I can add. If I did not know the makers took this seriously, I would swear they were trolling religious people. One of the worst uses of 130 Million…ever.