Geostorm

The 458th film I have seen in theaters…

Weather control satellites are destroying the planet! Who ya gonna call?

The Earth is doomed

By the year 2019, global warming has created superstorms and heat waves that have killed millions of people. The world comes together to create “Dutch Boy”, a weather satellite system that can control weather and stop these disasters from happening. When the satellite starts to malfunction, Jake Lawson- the designer of the damn thing, is brought back into space to fix it. On the ground, his brother Max , a White House staffer, uncovers a sinister plot to use “Dutch Boy” to trigger a massive global storm…a GEOSTORM! Dun-Dun, DUUUUUUUUUUN!!!

Gerard Butler is Jake, the man who must save the planet. Butler has made appearances in a couple of the worst movies I’ve seen this decade (Movie 43, Gods of Egypt), and one that I really liked (Olympus has fallen). The true star of this film is the special effects, but I can’t fault Butler for his performance. He is a believable leading man, and he did okay with the nonsense he was given.

Jim Sturgess is Max. His main job was to keep the energy of the film moving as he rushed through various computer hackings and government intrigue. This did not have Aaron Sorkin level writing, so he also did the best with what he had.

If a movie wants to have a last minute surprise reveal of the REAL villain, don’t cast Ed Harris in the role. From his first scene the guy projected “I’m the secret bad guy in this one!”. He gave us his standard intense evil performance but the movie was written so lazily that he came across as one dimensional.

Abbie Cornish’s character of Sarah suffers the worst from this script. While she is written as an incredibly capable, and bad-ass, secret service agent, she really is fucking stupid. Right off the bat, we learn that Sarah is secretly sleeping/engaged with Max. This is a huge no-no and she should have reported it to her superiors so that she could be re-assigned. She then helps Max sneak into the White House to hack the computers. No Secret Service agent would do this. She then helps concoct a plot to KIDNAP the President of the United States, firing a gun into the sky of a packed arena to create a panic among the crowd as a distraction. Like I said- fucking stupid.

Andy Garcia plays the President. He is very presidential. He also has the sole funny line in the film with “Marry her”.

Alexandra Maria Lara, who was great in “Downfall”, is the new commander of “Dutch Boy”. She is never really given a character to play in this other than “science lady” and possible love interest for Butler. She is the deus ex machina device that helps Jake save the day when she literally appears out of nowhere to help him open a locked door.

Rounding out the main cast is Daniel Wu, a damn good actor, who I last saw as Gul’dan in Warcraft. He is Cheng, a programmer that specializes in designing disaster scenarios to use “Dutch Boy” to create a Geostorm. Seriously, that is what this guy did- create ways to destroy the planet. He is then surprised that someone is using his weather models to actually make a Geostorm. This is a brief, and stupid, role and he seems to have been cast solely to bolster the box office in China. It appears to have succeeded as he is loved in Asia.

I went into the theater to see a Dean Devlin movie, and I got a Dean Devlin movie.  No one to blame but myself. This guy peaked with Stargate. It featured fantastic special effects but not the faintest scent of intelligent thought. some examples: The space station magically has gravity even though the main cabins are not spinning. The station actually has a giant “GEOSTORM IMMINENT” alarm with a goddamn count down built in. We have a “dog survives the disaster” scene as all his movies must. The science here is so stupid that it even stretches my bloated imagination. All that said, and a lot more unsaid, this movie was saved because the effects and actors were good. If you can call 4/10 “saved”.